Keeping Ebay at bay.

As some of you may know I have been on a bit of a Ebay bidding kick. I say bidding and not shopping because I like to low ball bid to feel apart of all the excitement, damn well knowing I won't get the stuff. I won't go into too many details but some of my lowballs actually won.
I am now the owner of two sets of pearls, two pairs of lacoste sunglasses, and a pair of vintage Armani aviator sunglasses. I think I will be uncomfortable having designer shades on. I traditionally buy cheap shades cuz I lose or break them. My most recent ones being from Mexico in a buy 2 for 9 dollar set. My friend Caitlin owns the other half of that set. They were broken a month ago....mysteriously... though some suspect them being at the bottom of my laundry pile and me stepping on them had some thing to do with it... but those are just speculations on my specs(I wasn't planning on going to that cheesy of a place, but once I was there I couldn't turn back.)
I need to take a minute here and talk to my larger gals. So, skinny girls...dudes feel free to go eat a donut through this next section, you can catch up later.
If you are the kind of lady who would type in Plus Size Dress into Ebay than you should never, ever, never, never, never be looking at this dress to buy:

Yeah... on ebay you can find THIS dress under Plus Size Dress. Not just in 2X but also in 3X! Sorry ladies... actually I take that back, for once in my midwestern politness riden life I am not sorry... LADIES! Yeah I just type-yelled "Ladies"... I needed to make sure your full atttention was on me. Do.not.buy.this.dress!
It will not make you look sexy, it will not make the good times roll. It'll just get a lot of stares, jokes, and an incrediably uncomfortable vibe.
Okay, any of you girls who aren't plus size you can start reading again, how was that Donut? hey! Plus size come back here, I'm not done. You can get your donut later. Regular size gals, girls with little boobs, women with real boobs, ladies who are not models... there is a dress posted above. You don't need to read the text, but please don't wear this dress in public. Ask yourself, could my dad be proud of me in this dress? Even if you were winning the Noble Peace prize and decided to except it in this dress, could he be proud of you? If this answer is, "no" than you probably shouldn't be wearing it.
Guys, you can come back. Oh, you had time for two donuts? Well good for you. oh, you saw some slammin' bitch the other day? yeah... sure, motorboatin' son-of-a-bitch...original. Ashton Kutcher is your role model? Demi Moore is one fine Cougar. Red Soxes, Baby? Well I'm really more of a Tigers fan...YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT THE TIGERS... FINE! We'll agree to disagree. Your Frat bro did that once? cool. No, I don't know Petey...

Guys, I can't believe how much effort we go through to get your attention...